Looking for Alice

Henrik Karlsson tells how he met his partner, Johanna, and argues that people who keep ending up with the wrong partner are often looking for a type instead of noticing the particular person in front of them. Much of the essay is about conversation: rather than staying on safe ground, he moves quickly to what is unusual and personal, and shares his own inner life so the other person can do the same. He borrows a scene from Werner Herzog's documentary Into the Abyss, where a prison chaplain is speaking in rehearsed religious phrases until Herzog asks him to describe an encounter with a squirrel, and within seconds the man drops the script and is moved to tears. Karlsson's point is that finding questions like that is a skill you can practise, not a mysterious gift.

How to have the conversation

Suggested ways to try it, adapted from the essay:

1. Skip the safe topics. Early on, steer towards something unusual or personal, and share a bit of your own inner life first so the other person has room to do the same.
2. Ask about what they haven't put into words. Pick something they mentioned and ask two or three increasingly detailed questions, until they're describing it fresh instead of repeating a line they've said before.
3. Ask for a moment, not an opinion. Like Herzog's squirrel question, asking someone to describe one specific scene often gets past a rehearsed answer faster than asking what they think.
4. Think out loud. Share something that genuinely puzzles you and leave gaps, so they can answer from their own experience instead of politely agreeing.
5. Stay in touch, but let them set the pace. Keep the connection warm without pressing. Watch their mood, and be the first to step back when they seem reluctant.